Haggis from Algernon

It's over!

2008-01-17T04:52:18Z

A closing note from the authors:

cgn: And that’s it! No more Haggis from Algernon. I already said most of what I wanted to say a couple of weeks ago, but once again thank you, everyone, for your comments and help with things like French. Also thanks to Sue Townsend, author of the amazing Adrian Mole series. If you ever read her books, which you definitely should, you'll understand why. More thanks to Karl Pilkington for being hilarious, and to ghostofbambi, who tirelessly wrote entries on her cell phone. Love all around!

Hey, it’s ghostofbambi here. If you’re confused as to who I am, I’m the girl who’s been writing Lily for the last five months, and due to a lack of internet, I haven’t been as active on this LiveJournal or on the archives as I would have liked. However, since we’ve finally finished this story, I just wanted to leave a note for all of you guys who have been reading and reviewing this story from the start. This fic started out as a simple, nonsensical exercise for us and snowballed into something we’ve both invested such a lot of care and effort into. I have always loved the Lily/James fandom, but ever since I started writing this, I have grown to adore writing Lily, and feel a strange sort of protectiveness over her character, and a strong desire to do justice to her, which I feel like I have. Therefore, to all the writers out there who have canon-raped her in the past, I say this: Ha. Ha ha ha.

Anyway, enough of my blathering. I hope you all enjoyed reading this story as much as we enjoyed the writing process, because it really was awesome. And I want to thank each and every one of you for reading! It makes me so happy to read all the lovely comments and reviews, and I hope they keep coming! Thank you!

P.s. Special thanks to the real life Terry Heaney, and to Karl Pilkington, for being awesome. Yeah.

Sunday 6th July

2008-01-17T04:47:57Z

He loves me! He loves me! I don’t quite understand why he had to attack and kidnap me and then get us stuck in an elevator in the Eiffel Tower in order to let me know this amazing piece of information, but I don’t care, because he loves me! James Potter loves Lily Evans and Lily Evans loves him right back! The scar beside my right eye will forever stand as a mark of James Potter’s love for me, me, me! Yay! After we got back home, we hid in my hotel room and snogged so much that our lips were chapped the next morning and everybody thinks that we’re sex obsessed whores, even my grandmother. Hurrah! He’s finally seen me demonstrate my gymnastic abilities! Yay!

And also, I ruined Petunia’s wedding!!! Yes!! Even though Beatrice magically concealed my black eye, I performed my bridesmaid duties perfectly and sang the song without any mistakes, I still ruined her wedding because everyone in our family was more interested in my boyfriend than they were in her husband! Everybody in my extended family is in love with James, because James is handsome and funny and charming and Vernon is an obese walrus with a giant baguette up his arse. Even my fifty year old aunty Ivy, who has been married for thirty-two years, got sloshed and tried to get off with James because he is just that gorgeous! Nobody ever tries to get off with Vernon. A blind person wouldn’t try to get off with Vernon. Even Petunia doesn’t try to get off with Vernon, the fat old baboon! He burst into Petunia’s dressing room before the wedding this morning, sweating and shouting because, according to him, an angry looking stag was chasing him around the hotel garden where the wedding was held and stamped all over the roses. Nobody could find the stag, though, so everyone thinks that Vernon is demented. Ha. Ha ha ha.

I must stop writing now, and go find my boyfriend. My boyfriend, James Potter, who I am madly in love with and going to marry some day, even if his middle name is Oddjob. Huzzah!

---

It’s amazing. I’ve actually managed to make Lily Evans fall in love with me. I’ve been trying to accomplish this for ages, and now she loves me, and I love her, and she likes my friends, and my family and cat like her, and it couldn’t possibly get any better than this. If only the French were any good at bacon. Lily and I agree, they’re pants at it. Honestly. We need Algernon. Except he’s ill, and would probably sick up all over the bacon. Oh well. I’ve got more than enough to make up for it.

I can’t believe I ever thought I was a salmon. As is evident from Vernon’s ramblings today, I am quite clearly a devilishly handsome stag. If I were a salmon, Algernon would eat me, and then where would I be? Dead, that’s where. Stuck in my cat’s stomach. With rotten bacon. And even France is better than that.

Saturday 5th July

2008-01-15T06:39:13Z

Am in

France

. I would’ve taken Algernon with, but he’s too ill, so I made Sirius swear to take care of him. He asked why I was going, and I told him, and he was all right with it. I think. Sometimes it’s hard to tell, but seeing as he didn’t grab my arm and refuse to let me go break my heart, I think he must approve at least a little bit. Some cash from Dad, and long story short, I’m in her hotel lobby, waiting for her to come down for the rehearsal dinner. I have a plan.

---

I did it! Plan went massively awry, and we’ve both got black eyes, but it’s all right, because we’re in love!

When she came down for the dinner – alone, thankfully, so I didn’t have to deal with Booth or Wood – I Stunned her from under my Cloak. Unfortunately I tripped on said Cloak on my way to catch her, so she fell forward and hit her face on a bench. I pulled her under the Cloak, tried to heal her bruise, and then Apparated us to the Eiffel Tower. It would have gone much better if the fucking elevator hadn’t broken. I couldn’t very well magic it better because I’d put the Cloak away, and there were Muggles all around. Then Lily woke up while we were trapped, and she was hurt (physically) and confused.

I tried to explain my whole plan, of taking her to the top of the Eiffel Tower and confessing my love to her like I thought I was supposed to do, and then she punched me. Hard. In the face! Then I blurted out that I loved her. I tried to remember everything I’d written down, but I think I just kept going over the point about Terry Heaney. I must’ve done something right, though, because then she kissed me and told me she loved me back.

We’re back in the hotel hiding from her psycho sister who will kill us for ruining the rehearsal dinner, but I don’t much care because I love Lily Evans, and she loves me back, and everyone else can fuck off.

A/N: Only one more entry left!

Friday 4th July

2008-01-15T01:22:09Z

I’ve made a huge mistake. I let her go. I let her go to sodding France without talking to her. It’s not entirely my fault, since Mum made us all go out to a fancy dinner, and then she was packing, and then Sirius was arguing with me about a lock and private property and fruit, and then she was gone. She left for France. She kissed me before she left. She didn’t mention last night at all. And now she’s gone.

Except right when she was about to Apparate off, I realized that there’s no question: I do love her. I was awake all last night, and it’s true.

I love that she feels safer sleeping with me because I want to protect her. I love that she goes out of her way to tell me how handsome I am, and I love how she gets obsessed with people’s birthday presents. I love how she will do anything for her friends (she let Terry Heaney touch her feet – the ultimate sacrifice). I love that even though she doesn’t like Snape anymore, she still protects him. I love that she is strong enough to live through dead parents, a bitch of a sister, and murder attempts, and still be able to laugh when I complain that I can’t raise one eyebrow. I love that she won’t sleep with me out of principle. I love the way she teases me, the way she treats my cat, the way she tries to get along with my mates, the way she can’t control herself around me, the way she argues with anyone she thinks is wrong, everything. I love her.

I love Lily Evans.

I have to tell her.

She’s in France.

Surrounded by smarmy French blokes. Who speak that damned sexy French.

Shit! I’ve got to go to France and tell her before some French bloke can tell her the same in seven different languages!

---

I’m in France, in a room on my own because my evil bitch sister, (who is pretending to be really nice to me in front of the family because she is an idiot, everyone knows that we despise each other) deliberately booked Beatrice and Emily into one room and me into another. They said they’re both going to sleep with me tonight regardless, and are down at the bar getting Cokes and giving me space. Since I woke up this morning feebly hoping that James might just mention something about the bathroom incident, I delayed leaving James’s house until pretty late this evening. He didn’t say a word to me because he is a coward and doesn’t love me. I will be expecting an awkward breakup letter any day now.

I arrived at Little Whinging to find Psycho Petunia hovering at the door with a bunch of flowers in one hand and a veil in the other, crying because some placemats are cobalt blue instead of cerulean. Aunty Ivy grabbed me by the arm before I could say a word and practically stuffed me into a sky blue bridesmaid dress that I actually look pretty good in, because heaven knows what disaster would strike if we got to France and discovered that it was one millimeter too big for me! I was thus manhandled in this way until Bea and Emily showed up a half hour later. I fooled them into thinking I was perfectly happy for ages, right up until we were on the plane and a little boy with black hair stood up on his chair, pulled his trousers down and urinated all over his mother. I burst into tears, and Emily and Beatrice were on hand with tissues at once, probably both thinking that I had finally lost it. I explained the whole, sad story to them and they are both being lovely. Emily is sure that he’s going to show up at any minute and declare his love for me, and Beatrice has advised me to write him a scathing breakup letter before he can do it, and then carve his heart out while he sleeps. She has turned into a vicious man-hater, and I love her for it.

Tomorrow is the rehearsal dinner, and then I have to go over my song with the pianist. I don’t want to sing some stupid song about happy people who love each other. I may hack out my voice-box instead. I hate James. I’m going to get ridiculously sloshed drunk and tell everyone at Petunia’s wedding what his middle name is. I don’t care if nobody here knows him because it will make me feel better. Then I’ll marry Snape, just to piss him off. And then I’ll jump off the Eiffel Tower and die!

Thursday 3rd July

2008-01-13T14:44:31Z

Oh.

Fuck.

Have fucked up. Have really, really fucked up. I wanted to wash my hair this morning, and Odette suggested that I use the big bath in James’s bathroom (the spoiled brat has his own sodding bathroom, I hate him!) instead of the old shower in the main one, so I did. Only the hot water doesn’t work unless you twiddle the tap in a certain way, so James, who had the day off work, came in while I was wrapped in my towel to help me. And this, diary, is what happened next:

James: I’ll show you how to use the hot tap because it’s a bit dodgy. I brought you a cup of tea, as well. You’ve got really nice legs, by the way.

Me: I love you, James.

He didn’t say anything, and merely stared at me as if I’d just taken a machete from under my towel and threatened to end his life. After about twenty excruciating seconds, I screamed at him for being rude enough to charge unannounced into the bathroom when I could have been naked and was about to shove him out the door when he did the sensible thing and ran of his own accord. He wouldn’t even look at me through lunch and dinner, and I didn’t see him at all in between. He’s avoiding me because I’ve scared the shit out of him and he now wants to dump with me and get off with Isabella Marks, who is obviously into sex with no commitment and doesn’t have flabby hips like I do.

So that leaves me here, hiding in my room with the door locked, anxiously stuffing handfuls of stale treacle tart into my face and muttering to myself. What happened to my self respect and conviction that James Potter would never be good enough for me? Since when would Lily Evans ever say she loved any guy before they said it first? When did I turn into a blubbering wretch? I’m a complete mess, and deserve to be stoned to death by a gaggle of strong-willed, successful career women for letting down their kind.

I’m going to ask Odette to Transfigure me into a spider and stand on me in her leopard print stilettos. If that doesn’t work, I’ll jump off the roof. And die!

---

She loves me.

Lily Evans told me, quite calmly and wearing nothing but a bath towel, that she loves me.

I ran, naturally. What else could I do? This was not expected at all. I think a bit of me’s always believed she’ll realize how much better than me she is and leave me. Except now she loves me. I’m pretty sure I love her. I mean, I haven’t sat around and thought about it that much, but, you know, I certainly like her more than any other woman.

On my way out of the house, I bumped into Sirius. I kept my cool and told him I was going out for a nighttime stroll. In the rain. He rolled his eyes and went on his way. I ended up in the greenhouse because I forgot I hate being wet. Dad came in and found me a while later. Apparently when Sirius told him I’d gone for a walk, he suspected something. He knows about my secret passionate loathing of rain. He also saw Lily being a bit mental and thought I was to blame. I ended up confessing the whole bathroom affair to him. Conveniently, he didn’t have much advice. All he said was it’s up to me to figure things out from here. I’m the only one who can decide if I love her, or if I want to marry her, or anything like that. The only useful thing he said was to go after her if I did love her, which is stupid, because why wouldn’t I?

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

Wednesday 2nd July

2008-01-12T13:37:05Z

In a shocking development today, I actually bonded, somewhat, with Sirius Black. He didn’t go to work with James today because he said he’s sick of having dogs in heat follow him around everywhere. I found him in the Potter’s dining room, reading a magazine about motorbikes, and I struck up a conversation with him. He was surprised at my vast knowledge of bikes, a knowledge I garnered because of my dad’s obsession with them when I was a child. I remember begging him to take me out on his bike with him. He never did because my mother would have castrated him, but he used to give me all of his magazines and bring me out to the motorbike shop in Surrey to look at new models. Sirius and I ended up talking for ages and even having lunch together. I also promised to get some of the bike-related things that dad left me in his will and give them to him after this weekend, which made him very happy. Although I would have liked for us to talk through some of our worse issues, this is a good start. Most definitely. He’s actually quite clever and witty when he wants to be. Who knew?

James (Oddjob!) came in from work while Sirius and I were talking and looked a bit freaked out when he saw us laughing together. Almost envious, actually. James has some serious jealousy issues. I think his mother has damaged him mentally.

---

Work was boring as fuck today because Sirius refused to come along. He’s tired of doing my job for me. Really I think it’s because Mindy’s taken a shine to him and won’t leave him alone. It’s dead funny. He doesn’t like that I laugh, I know, but he knows if I were in his position, he’d laugh his arse off. I know Sirius. He’s my best mate. Which is why I was surprised to come home and find him hanging about with Lily. It’s a good thing. It is. And I am happy about it. Really. Makes my life easier, not having to mediate between them.

Letter from Peter today. There’s a nice girl in his town he fancies. He’s promised she seems perfectly normal. I’m not sure how much I trust his judgment. He still fancied Helena Hodge even after she’d cheated on him. Still, not much I can do from home. Or at least nothing I can be arsed to do.

Algernon is not doing any better. I can’t believe I poisoned my cat. Sirius and Lily think it’s hysterical. They told me so. Together. Ugh. I’m turning into my mother. Next I’ll be Transfiguring people for crossing me.

Oh.

Fuck.

Tuesday 1st July

2008-01-11T17:54:30Z

Oh, fuck it all. Lily knows my middle name. Now she’ll never marry me. I’m feeling salmon-esque again. Inviting her over has turned out to be a huge mistake. She promised she wouldn’t tell Sirius. Still, this is the most embarrassing thing my mother has ever done. Well, it was, until today when I confronted her and she told me the truth about Algernon. She wanted, apparently, to prove it wasn’t the worst thing she could’ve told Lily. Except then she told both of us anyway.

All these years she’s told me she looked for months for the bravest, most intelligent cat she could find. She told me he was purebred, trained from infancy. Right in front of Lily, she told me the gruesome truth. She had the audacity to forget my birthday, and when she realized her error, she grabbed a stray cat off the street.

I don’t love Algernon any less, of course. It’s just rude that my mother would lie to me. Not at all surprising, though. To make up for my mother’s idiocy and Lily’s laughter, I made Algernon the nicest bacon sandwich ever. And then he went and sicked it up. Dead ungrateful.

---

Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha! I adore James’s mother. She is a comic genius without realizing it. I have also gathered that she likes me quite a lot, as she’s always pulling me aside to tell me secrets about James, and complimenting my looks. Today, after James ran from the room in a fit of anger that I don’t understand, because I’ve had Algernon pegged as a stray from the very first moment I saw him, she started asking me about our ‘upcoming’ nuptials again. I told her that I didn’t think James and I would get married, but she said that we definitely would, that we’ve both spoiled the other for life, and that it’s tough tits if I don’t like being in love with her son. Surprisingly, but probably because the last few days have driven me completely mad, I ended up admitting that I love him. She was very pleased, promised not to tell him, and left the room muttering something about ‘not needing that potion after all.’

James gave Algernon a sandwich with gone off bacon in it. He’s very depressed in his room. I should go in there and give him a cuddle, or something. Nothing more physical than that, though, because Odette would probably burst through the door with a camera in one hand and a wedding dress in the other. What a great addition to album eighteen that photo would make, eh?

Monday 30th June

2008-01-10T02:03:18Z

Big development today. Remus and Peter came over after work today. We all went out and messed about in town for a while. Sirius and Lily didn’t talk much, but we all had a good laugh at Helena Hodge’s pain and suffering. Then I made Lily leave for a bit so I could ask the others if it would be all right to tell Lily about the Animagi business. It took some pleading and threatening on my part, but they eventually agreed. When we got home I took Lily out into the hills and showed her Prongs. She was a bit surprised, but dead impressed, I’m sure. She said I’m a very handsome stag. We came back and tried to talk some sense into Remus. Failed, of course.

Every once in a while when we were with the others, Lily would start laughing at me for no reason. Must ask what my mum’s gone and told her now. I’m somewhat terrified to ask.

Algernon escaped from the basement today while I was out. I hope he’s learned his lesson. Mum refuses to change his ears back to normal.

---

Just when I thought I knew most of what there is to know about James Potter, he goes and lies about his middle name and then turns into an animal.

He didn’t do one after the other, obviously. There is no logical reason for anybody to suddenly shout ‘My middle name is Lancelot!’ and then transform into a stag, not even James. Also, James never shouted when he told me his fake middle name, as I recollect.

I’m not making any sense at all, I know. I think the shock of finding out that James is an Animagus, an Animagus with the most suicide-inducing middle name alive, has knocked me for six. And not just James, diary, Sirius and Peter too. They’ve been able to do this for over a year now, and accompanying Remus to the Shrieking Shack once a month, just so he wouldn’t have to be alone when he transforms. I was utterly bowled over when James told me about this, and although they’ve each broken about fifty school rules, I can’t help but admire all three of them. What a wonderful thing to do for a friend, particularly a friend as nice and kind as Remus Lupin. James and I tried, and failed, to persuade him into asking Beatrice out last night. He’s as stubborn as a bull, and adamant that not dating her would be all the better for her in the long run. We told him, truthfully, that she wouldn’t care, but then he protested that her blood status will earn her enough hassle during the war, and he likes her too much to drag her down into the dirt. So I guess that’s that, diary, it’s not happening. I instructed Remus to talk to her himself, but he probably won’t, because that’s just what he’s like. I’d be angry with him if his situation wasn’t so horrible, but I’d also be angry with Beatrice if she wasn’t so upset about the whole thing. I think they’ll both be fine, eventually. Hopefully.

Incidentally, and on to happier subjects, James’s stag form is miles better than a dog or a rat. Even as an animal, he’s better than everyone else. Sirius and Peter both have better middle names than he does, however. Ha. Ha ha ha.

I love that his friends don’t know his real middle name. I love that his mother gave him that middle name. I love his mother. I love him. I love his cat. I love stags. I love James Bond and all James Bond related products. I love villains who can take people’s heads off by throwing their hat.

---

James Oddjob Potter. James. Oddjob. Potter. Not James Lancelot Potter, oh no, James Oddjob Potter.

Oddjob.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Sunday 29th June

2008-01-09T02:20:40Z

When he’s not with me, Sirius tends to go off and read. A strange, apparently old habit of his. He said he used to hide out in the library at Grimmauld Place when he needed to get away. I never knew this. Unexpected, but better than many other habits he could have, like unicycling. He and Dad got into a debate over dinner. Sirius got a few pages into Plato’s Republic and then chucked it across the room. Dad tried to persuade him to give it another go, for the sake of exposure to the ideas, but Sirius said he refused to waste time on an author who never made a conclusion. Or something. I wasn’t paying that much attention since Lily was sitting across the table from me and kept rubbing my shin with her foot. Very distracting.

I forgot that while I’m at work with Sirius, Lily is at home. Alone. With my mother. This cannot end well. Lily said she was pleasant enough today. They looked at pictures of me when I was younger. Wonderful. I need to murder my mother.

---

I woke up with a huge lump of chocolate mashed into my hair this morning, and was not surprised at all.

Today James had to go to work. I say he had to go to work, but all he actually does is run around with three cocker spaniels and throw sticks for them. Sirius is staying here too, but he said he’d walk James to the house of the man he works for because it’s on his way to the library, so I was alone with James’s mother, who has instructed me to call her Odette. It was fun. She made us both tea and toast and we chatted a little about Hogwarts. Then she brought out seventeen photo albums, each consisting of photographs of ‘our gorgeous James,’ one for each year of his life. It’s easy to tell why he’s so full of himself now, actually. Each album featured a full running commentary, courtesy of Odette, and albums one to six are mainly full of naked photos. Apparently, James used to be rather fond of taking his clothes off and trying to escape from the house, presumably to share his nudity with all of Swansea. I didn’t tell her that James still seems to be fond of taking his clothes off, if my recent experience is anything to go by.

I was allowed to choose a photo of James for myself, so I selected a recent one of him asleep on the sofa with Algernon on his chest. I’m not telling him about it, though, because I’d be willing to bet all of my money that he doesn’t know it was ever taken. His mum is a bit of a loony.

Saturday 28th June

2008-01-08T03:30:13Z

Lily is here! Dad took Mum out of the house when she arrived so we could be alone. (Sirius was in the library. Again. He’s moved on to Marx.) I’d set up lunch for the two of us in the dining room. She was early, but I wasn’t bothered. After lunch we went outside for a walk. Apparently Male Booth has been trying to woo her all week, but to no avail. He wrote her love songs, the idiot. Lily cannot be persuaded by such trivial charms!

Everything was going well until Mum and Dad came back. Mum didn’t seem to like her at first, but warmed up to her over dinner. I asked her later why she’d changed her mind. She said Algernon rubbed against Lily’s legs while we were eating, and if Algernon approved, so did she. This didn’t make much sense. I told her as much. Apparently she liked Lily immediately, and when Algernon also approved, she knew Lily must be good since such different personalities liked her. While I’m glad Mum doesn’t hate Lily, I wish she hadn’t asked about our wedding during dessert. Talk about awkward.

---

James seemed to have doubled in craziness since leaving Hogwarts for the summer. I arrived at his house just in time for lunch and could see him through one of the windows, running around with a knife and fork. I knocked on the door, and this is a record of the conversation that ensued:

James: But I haven’t even had time to put the forks out!
Me: What?
James: I mean, er, come in!
Me: Wow, you have a really lovely home.
James: Thanks. I have a job.

Apart from that, and the small panic attack he had when he couldn’t remember which side of the plate he was supposed to put the knife and fork, he was his usual cocky self. We had a really nice lunch (I suspect house-elf involvement, because there’s no way I believe that James made the raspberry jam himself) and went for a walk afterwards. Then I met his parents, which was scary. His father liked me immediately and apologized to me for James’s insane behavior over the past few months, but his mother didn’t seem to like me at all, and asked me a lot of rather intrusive questions. She’s being lovely now, however, and after she sent James into the study to clean Algernon’s poo off the floor, she told me that she’s ‘very fond’ of me, I’m a nice match for James, and that our children would be very attractive. I had to excuse myself then, and now most of the treacle tart is gone. I’m a nervous wreck!

---

Have just remembered to warn Lily about checking her food for Love Potion. She seemed confused. I’m not sure why, though. I’m positive told her about Algernon at Easter. I caught her on the way to the bathroom before bed, and I remembered to drop into her room and leave a chocolate on her pillow, like my mum told me they do in nice hotels. It’s a way for me to be with her since Mum would lose it if we slept in the same room. If she caught us, she’d ask me for the details. Ew.

Friday 27th June

2008-01-07T02:45:25Z

Have officially got myself a job. It’s not all bad, but I still hate it on principle. Sirius was mad at me this morning because I dragged him into town and away from Hobbes, so he retaliated by being Padfoot and refusing to talk to me. (Algernon was locked in my room at home. He gets funny around Padfoot.) The dogs in the area started following us again, much to Padfoot’s chagrin, and an old man in the street stopped me. He asked me to walk his dogs for him every day, since I’ve got ‘such a natural affinity with animals.’ I didn’t disagree, so now I’m employed. It doesn’t take up too much time, either, and I’ll just make Sirius come with and keep the dogs in line. It’ll keep him away from Hobbes, too. Sirius keeps going on about how life is nasty, brutish and short. If that’s not Russian, I don’t know what is, no matter what Sirius says.

Off to Moony’s for the night. Full moon. Padfoot, Wormtail, and I are all going to sneak into that pen his parents set up in the forest to keep him company. I’ll have to run early in the morning, though, to get ready for Lily’s arrival. Remus understands. I should invite him over when Lily’s with us so we can talk some sense into him.

Mum was pissed off that I keep trying to send Algernon into the kitchen for food. Poor Algernon. Hooves do not suit him.

---

I got a call from a woman who claimed her name was Mrs. Habadasher this morning. She is altering Yvonne’s bridesmaid dress and wanted to know my measurements. Then my cousin Beverly phoned with a list of Petunia’s favorite love songs. She wanted to discuss which one I would be singing. They were all vomit-inducing, and if Beverly decides, and I think she will, that I have to sing something by Doris Day, I may jump off Beatrice’s roof. Or James’s, as I’m going there tomorrow morning. Yay! Beatrice’s mother gave me a selection of cakes and pies to bring over, and I was happy to see that she’s made another treacle tart. I can hide it in my room and gorge psychotically on it if I get nervous. I can’t say I’m looking forward to meeting his parents. Peter tells me that James’s mother is a fruitcake who doesn’t think that any girl is good enough for her baby James. I think I’m going to be sick.

Aaron wrote me another song last night, and presented me with the lyrics today. He managed to rhyme my name with silly, frilly, willy-nilly and hilly. I also didn’t know that you could rhyme the name James with ‘giant axe,’ but apparently Aaron can.

Thursday 26th June

2008-01-06T02:21:14Z

Have been fired by the fishery. Thank Merlin. They thought they could handle Algernon on board. Clearly they underestimated his abilities. I hope they don’t make me pay for that dingy.

Lily is coming in two days! Can’t wait. I told Mum she’s coming to stay. She got in a bit of a state because I didn’t tell her earlier. Dad was all for it, luckily. I think he’s just happy Mum’s good and occupied ordering the house-elves about.

Finally got Sirius to shut up about that motorbike. Today he picked up Hobbes in the library while I was at work. After dinner I pried him away from it so we could go mess about in the hills as Padfoot and Prongs. This may have been a bad idea. Some of the neighborhood dogs trailed along and wouldn’t leave us alone. Padfoot’s got a right little gang. It’s rather funny, actually. He got annoyed and wanted to come back and read more depressing Russian literature. Typical.

---

In retaliation for my eating of her precious pineapple fritters, Beatrice took the treacle tart that her mother had just made for me and threw it in my face. This led to a miniature food fight. She, Miriam and I all ended up with sticky stuff in our hair and the dining room curtains are ruined. I am quite sure that this kind of malarkey occurs daily in the Potter household, so I’m not going to miss it. Beatrice was a little put out when I told her of James’s invitation, but she cheered up when I promised to do some reconnaissance work and find out what’s up with Remus. Except I already know what’s wrong with Remus and I can’t tell her. However, I could possibly write to him and figure out some way to explain things to Beatrice without including his Lycanthropy. This is all ridiculous, really. His illness wouldn’t bother Bea in the slightest, I’m sure of it.

Success! Also, horror! Petunia phoned the house today. The good news is that I am allowed to being a second person to Petunia’s wedding, as well as Beatrice. I must write to Emily and see if she is free to go to France next weekend. Thank Merlin for Emily’s father, who insisted that she get herself a Muggle passport. The bad news is that I had to agree to be a bridesmaid, and to sing at the reception, in order to procure this invitation. I could tell that Petunia would rather have stuck her head in a barrel of snakes than ask me, but she has no choice because her head bridesmaid and singer, Yvonne, has contracted meningitis and cannot come, and my aunty Ivy suggested that she ask her beloved little sister. Unremarkably, Petunia is more worried about the effect this will have on her wedding than her best friend’s wellbeing. What a darling. I’m annoyed that I now have to be bridesmaid, but also quite pleased that I am going to ruin Petunia’s wedding day by doing exactly what she asked me to. Haha!

Wednesday 25th June

2008-01-06T02:20:31Z

I got a letter from James today, inviting me to stay in his house. I assume this means that he’s no longer upset about crazy Aaron. Huzzah! I’m going to Apparate to his address on Saturday morning and stay in his house until either Thursday night or Friday morning, when I will be leaving for Little Whinging, and my darling sister’s wedding. Probably Thursday night, as the flight out is Friday night and the wedding is on Sunday. James wants to come and get me, but if he did, he’d have to suffer through Beatrice’s mother’s questions about our supposedly wild and outrageous sex life, involving lots of whipped cream, leather and rope.

Beatrice Booth is a dirty liar. I am going to go to the pantry and steal all of her pineapple fritters. That’ll show her. Ha. Ha ha ha.

---

Have been hired by the fishery. I am most put out.

Monday 23rd June

2008-01-04T20:01:12Z

I haven’t heard back from James, and my owl James has not yet returned. I will not lie, diary, I am rather worried that he doesn’t want to speak to me. I thought that I was putting on a good show of nonchalance, but according to Beatrice, the eight cookies, four chocolate cupcakes, half an apple pie and entire treacle tart I’ve eaten in the last twenty four hours is ruining my image rather spectacularly. Aaron suggested that I should get drunk as an alternative method of stress-management, but he admitted that this could lead to him attempting to have his way with me. So I think I’ll pass on that. Happily, Beatrice is much happier. She and Miriam are teaching me more sign language. Not the real signs that Miriam normally uses to communicate with people, however, but ones that they secretly invented so that they could talk to each other without Aaron or their parents understanding them.

I feel rather guilty, worrying about James when Beatrice is suffering through her Remus-related heartache, but in my defense, I’m not dating or engaged to Aaron, have never resorted to using magic to win my man’s affection, and James is not a werewolf. Also, I love James because he is James, and not because I’m turned on by his scars. If he had any, that is. All he’s really got is an odd looking birthmark on his left thigh that’s kind of shaped like a frog.

---

Letter from Lily today! She promised she’s got no interest in that stupid Male Booth, and that she had no idea he’d be at King’s Cross. Then she went on about how attractive and wonderful I am. I’ve written her back saying all’s well and forgiven. Also invited her to come stay with me for a bit before she goes off to France because I miss her already. It’s true that I’m pining a bit, but mostly I need to convince her not to go to stupid France so some other bloke can impregnate her when she isn’t watching.

Algernon continues to thwart my half-arsed attempts to get a job. I told Sirius about this plan. He was not as impressed as he should have been. It’s only because he says he’s found the love of his life. Some motorbike he saw driving through town. He’s dead set on having it. The bike looked all right, but the bloke on it looked too much like my Uncle Charlus. I pretended to listen to him go on about it, but really I was remembering Lily’s letter in my head to cheer myself up.

Dad said he couldn’t take me to get my Apparition license next Monday because he’s got to work. Damn. Mum’ll never take me, not after the toe incident. At this rate I’ll never get my license.

Sunday 22nd June

2008-01-03T23:27:47Z

I eventually got Beatrice to talk to me about Remus last night before dinner, as when I went out she refused to say a word to me on the roof. As expected, she’s very upset about the whole affair and doesn’t know where she stands with Remus, but I also reminded her that she dug herself into a mess by agreeing to marry Karl. I was misguided in thinking that her parents would be angered upon hearing of her engagement, and forgot that they are both obscenely lenient hippie types. Her father doesn’t mind as long as the wedding costs are split with the Pilkerson parents, and her mother is delighted at the prospect of making her a wedding cake and catering the reception. One of the perks of having a baker for a mother, I suppose, the other being the multitude of pies and cakes and treacle tart (that Ellen makes just for me!) that are always lying around the bakery larder. I love Beatrice’s house. Not as much as usual, however, since Beatrice is sulking and Aaron follows me around whenever his girlfriend, Maisie, isn’t with him, asking me to think of words that rhyme with ‘Evans’ and ‘that speccy imbecile stole my lady’ for his new song.

The oddest thing happened to me this morning while I was sending off a letter to James that I wrote last night. As I watched James fly away and hoped that my poor owl wouldn’t be confused by an order to deliver a letter to what could easily be misconstrued as ‘himself,’ Beatrice’s father came in and told me that the letter was slightly too accusatory, and that James might feel like I am insinuating that he is too possessive if he reads it. Then her mum came in after him and said that I apologized far too much in the letter and that I should have made him come chasing after me. Then Beatrice’s little sister, Miriam, told me that my message would have come across better if delivered it in person. This would have been fine if I had actually shown the letter to any of them, but unless I have been Obliviated, I am quite sure that I never did.

I think I need another chat with Beatrice.

---

Job search did not go well today. It is apparently a bad idea to walk into a restaurant kitchen with a cat. This is entirely Algernon’s fault. This morning I woke to the banshee cries of my mother when she saw what Algernon had done to the window treatments. She forced me to take him out of the house, and while I wanted to punish him with her company, he did almost die because of her over Easter hols. Sirius was no help, either. We’d parted ways early on since he’s not being coerced into joining the workforce. And even if he were looking for a job, he wouldn’t have to drag a mad cat around with him. Unfair in the extreme. Café and gas station both turned me down today, and there are not that many places to work in town.

On second thought, Algernon is a blessing. If I continue to bring him with me, maybe no one will hire me, and I can simply tell my mother it’s her fault I’m unemployed. Brilliant.

Still waiting on word from Lily. Oh no, what if Algernon eats her letter before I can get it? He does have a history of eating parchment. I’d assume he wouldn’t be able to get it off of James, but Algernon has done far cleverer things in his lifetime. Sodding cat. One minute he’s saving my free time, the next he’s gone and slid down the banister. Dad never forgave Algernon for that one, but I suppose that was his best shirt.

Saturday 21st June

2008-01-03T23:26:21Z

It’s 3:30am and Beatrice has been sitting outside on the low roof for a half hour. We’ve barely spoken to each other, or to anyone else, since we arrived here, although we spent about ten minutes casting protective spells around her house. We’re both highly doubtful that You-Know-Who would ever bother with two seventeen year old witches when he has Aurors and Ministry officials to murder, but there-s still always the risk, isn’t there? We’re still Muggle-born, which means we're fair game as far as his Death Eaters are concerned. That's the reason why I almost had a heart attack when I woke up a while ago and saw that she was gone. I know why she’s out there, and all I have to say on the matter is that Remus Lupin can be an idiot sometimes.

I apologized to James for my behavior before we got on the train home, he accepted, and we spent a rather lovely half hour in one of the bathrooms while our friends all sat in the one compartment, sniggering at us. Things went downhill when we got to the station, however. He took me away from everyone to say a proper goodbye, and just when I thought he was going to invite me to stay at his house at some point, bloody Aaron came and ruined it. Since he’s just gotten his first car, he drove down to London to pick us up. I would appreciate this act of kindness had he not interrupted us, slung his arm around my shoulders and started tousling my hair (he always was rather clingy). Aaron is a very good-looking and intelligent guy who happens to be a couple inches taller than James. I neglected to tell James all of this last week, and may also have insinuated that Aaron was unattractive, short and stupid. Now James must obviously think that I’ll be carrying on with him behind his back, because he let go of me and walked off to Sirius without another word. It didn’t occur to me until we left that he was probably expecting me to follow him, and that I’ve let him down again. I’ve written an extremely panicked explanatory letter and sent it to him already. I love James, so much, so he simply can’t break up with me over something like this. If I was only able to be honest with him, he’d realize that I only lied about Aaron to make him feel better, and there’s no way I'd ever pass him up for anyone. Except he won't, because I’m a stupid, cowardly shrew.

Beatrice looks cold out there. I’m going to bring her a blanket, and then force her to talk to me about this mess she’s gotten herself into. Good plan.

---

I am being forced to get a job. This is dead unfair. Finally I’ll have Sirius around for an entire summer, and now I’ll be away half of the time. Bloody Mum. I tried to argue with Dad, but he thinks it’s a brilliant idea. No clue why they think I’ve no work ethic. Then again, they haven’t seen the Map. Perhaps if I showed them that, they would understand my genius is best left unfettered by such trivial things as jobs.

Have written several drafts of a letter to Lily demanding that she immediately leave the Booth household, but I’ve yet to send any of them. Sirius also saw the Male Booth (whose name I have forgotten and don’t care to remember) at King’s Cross yesterday. He agrees he looks like a smarmy git who needs a good hex to the face. Or a punch. Or both. Perhaps a punching hex? If there is no such thing, I shall invent one. If only I didn’t have to get a job, I’d have time for such innovations. I hope Mum and Dad know they are depriving the world of many new and exciting developments in magic

Must run, Sirius and I are going to town so he can ogle the motorbikes. I also need to get away from Algernon, and I’m tired of hiding in my room from him.

Friday 20th June

2008-01-03T23:25:08Z

Poker last night was quite possibly the best round ever. The carpet in our dorm has turned orange, half of Peter’s mattress is missing, and the window is covered in honey, but Merlin, that was fun. I ended up coming in second to Remus, unfortunately. I blame his unfortunate news yesterday for inspiring him to focus on something else entirely, namely Polish Pirate Poker. It was a season well-played. Cleverly, we packed most of our belongings yesterday before the round so we could have today to fix up the room.

Algernon somehow snuck in halfway through the second Subround. I’ve got to go see Kettleburn before the train leaves to see if he can regrow Algernon’s left ear. I’d hate to see my mother attempt it. He would probably end up with a Chocolate Frog for an ear, and I refuse to have chocolate in my bed.

---

I’ve been ten kinds of a shrew to James today, snapping at him for every little thing and generally making his life miserable. Most horrifyingly, he is convinced that he’s done something horrible to hurt me and keeps asking how he can make it better. Is his own opinion of himself so low that he always automatically assumes he’s the one in the wrong? The boy is either some kind of masochist or completely whipped, and neither idea does anything to abate my guilt. He tried to talk to me an hour ago but I shouted at him and said that for once, I wished he’d just get angry and yell back at me. He deserves to at this point, diary. I wish I could be as honest with him as I was with Severus Snape last night when he followed me to Gryffindor tower, voicing his nasty opinions on James until I went crazy and threatened to hex him. I’d no problem telling him that I’m in love with James. This is surely not healthy or normal.

Oh, I almost forgot. A small victory today! Terry Heaney dumped Helena Hodge for good today, in what I’m happy to confirm was a very loud, very public manner. He announced to the Great Hall that he is in love with Marjorie Deacon (the spotty cow) and she with him! Then they began to fawn over one another, which was rather disgusting, especially since he was sitting very near to me and I could hear him cooing in her ear about how her toes are like white chocolate buttons. Still, it’s worth it, because the last time I saw Helena, she was sitting on the floor of Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom, crying and stuffing her face with toffee. Peter is still laughing about it.

I have to pack, then converse with Beatrice on the topic of wedding venues, then seek out James and apologize to him. Beatrice is kidding herself if she thinks this wedding is going to happen, her parents are going to hit the roof and she’s only doing it to make Remus jealous, anyway. I should probably question him about his feelings on this, actually. I’ll do all of this right after I eat this delicious bacon sandwich. I love Algernon.

---

Train leaves in twenty minutes. Lily just rushed up to me, saying she’d been looking all over for me. I tried to explain the whole Algernon ear business, but she wasn’t having it. She apologized for being a right bitch this morning. Earlier she’d gone on about how I need to stand up to her, but I know better than to do that when she’s being unreasonable. We talked it out, as per the contract. She said she was nervous about exams and was unfairly taking it out on me. Useless, since she did wonderfully, of course. (As did I. No surprises there.) Anyway, we’re all sorted out now, and a good thing, too. I plan to fondle her breasts at least once more on the train, and that would’ve been dead unpleasant if she were shouting at me while I did so.

Remus still hasn’t said anything to Booth. I’ve half a mind to talk to her myself, but he’d kill me. And he could, too.

Algernon’s been trying to snuggle with me. If he thinks I’ve forgiven him because I got his ear fixed, he’s in for a shock at home.

Sunday 15th June

2007-12-20T06:58:04Z

Hogsmeade was very, very strange yesterday. I’ve never spent such a large amount of time with James before, at least not alone, which I was really excited about until I woke up yesterday morning and realized exactly why I was so excited. Therefore, I spent almost the entire day trying to pick out every single thing about James that I can’t stand in an attempt to no longer feel excited. And apart from the way he eats with his mouth open, continually brags about himself and apparently doesn’t mind taking his clothes off in public places, I didn’t find much at all.

I acted like a dead body for the entire date anyway. The only real, coherent thought in my mind went along the lines of, ‘I love him, I love him, I love him.’ And as it turns out, being in love with James Potter pisses me off even more than, well, James Potter. I ended up picking fights with him over the stupidest things. Only now the bloody twit’s found a way to counter my rage, by kissing me! I must find a way to regain the power in our relationship before I turn into a gooey pile of submission.

While we were in bed last night, I told James about Beatrice and Remus. He was so shocked that he bolted out of bed, stood on Algernon’s tail, and ended up spending a most uncomfortable hour in the hospital wing having his crotch seen to. He would have been in out twenty minutes, but he doesn’t seem to be as eager to take his underwear off for Madame Pomfrey as he is for me. My poor baby!

Thankfully, James had Sirius to keep him company when the moment of truth came, so I didn’t have to witness any bloodied reproductive organs. Ew.

---

Most painful experience of my life last night. Lily told me some shocking news. One thing led to another, and my private bits were severely injured in the process. Algernon has been banned from the dormitory.

It turns out Remus kissed Booth! He was under that damned potion influence, too, although I might point out I certainly didn’t succumb that much. Lily told me not to tell Remus, and I love her and all, but I couldn’t not bring this up with Moony. He kissed a girl! On the mouth! I believe that’s the most action he’s ever seen.

I asked him about it after lunch. He was mortified that I’d brought it up, but he seemed to be happy I’d done so without Sirius or Peter around. He confessed he does ‘have a certain affection’ for her, but refuses outright to do anything about it. I reassured him that anyone who dates Karl Pilkerson must not have very high standards. This didn’t seem to help my case. He’s dead set on bachelorhood, though, so I won’t say anything. Shame. Well, not really. Merlin help me if I ever had to spend prolonged periods of time around that loony girl.

I’m tempted to leave Algernon at Hogwarts over the summer in retaliation, but that would be more of a reward than a punishment for him. He’ll come home and suffer through my mother with me.

Saturday 14th June

2007-12-19T06:01:33Z

It’s nine in the morning, and I’m sitting in a very awkward position writing this entry because James is asleep and currently using my stomach as a pillow. His lovely head makes a useful surface to write on, however, so I won’t complain. He fell asleep in that position last night while I was giving him an apologetic head massage and reassuring him of how he’s much smarter/funnier/sexier than Aaron Booth. So our date is still on for today. Which reminds me, I must write to Aaron and apologize in advance for James and his inevitable possessive stupidness this summer. I just love it when James gets territorial.

Beatrice and I made up last night, when she confessed that the real reason she lost her temper with me is because after years of pining, she’d actually gotten Remus to kiss her (!!!!) the other day (Poor Karl!). Of course, now he knows why he buckled and is avoiding her, pretending he doesn’t like her when he quite obviously does. It all makes sense! He must fancy her, but doesn't want to date her because of his problem! I do amaze myself sometimes. Must talk to James about this.

Algernon is beside us on the bed, hacking up hairballs and pieces of green stuff. Also, James just muttered the word ‘salmon’ in his sleep, snorted and drooled a little on my stomach. This should be bothersome, but is not, which is bad. Clearly, being drooled on by James Potter should bother me. Therefore, the knowledge that I’m not bothered when I should be is the bothersome part. Furthermore, I think I’ve actually fallen in love with James Potter.

Oh no.

---

It turns out this ‘open communication’ business is handier than I’d previously thought. Today’s date to Hogsmeade was nearly a disaster. I was bragging about how miserable Helena Hodge must be this morning, but also how it was not as bad of a revenge as we could have done. This did not go over well with Lily. She got on her high Hippogriff about how if I want to be Head Boy and in the Order, I’ve got to stop with this revenge fixation. It is not a fixation! It’s justice, is all. Luckily she stopped herself from ranting more, and I cut myself off and told her exactly what we’d done. Then she wasn’t so upset. I’ve no idea what she’d thought we done.

Later she tried to bring up the 'revenge fixation' again. I cleverly cut her off by kissing her. It worked surprisingly well. This will be my new strategy, I believe. Can’t believe I didn’t think of it earlier.

After the kiss she muttered something about never having seen me in my pants. I started to undo my trousers, but then she stopped me for some reason. So much for open communication.

Note from an author

2007-12-18T09:00:43Z

A brief message from cgn:

Hello, all. I've two main points for this little post. The first is a giant THANK YOU to everyone who's left a comment/review. Even if you didn't think it was especially long or poignant , we still appreciate them all. There's nothing like feedback; it helps us know what's wrong, whether that's formatting or a confusing point in the story. (And it makes us feel good, of course.) We've both had a marvelous time talking to you all. The reason this sounds so much like a farewell is because the story is wrapping up. The last entry will be on Sunday the 6th of July in Haggis!time. Or so we've planned - we've yet to write the final week, but that's how things are headed right now.

The second reason for this post is to inform you of a disruption in your regular update schedule, different than the odd skip week. I'm headed out to Europe this weekend, which means I won't be able to access the internet and post Haggis. At the end of December I'm off to visit

ghostofbambi, and we'll be able to write out the final week or so of Haggis. Not sure what the internet access will be like there, but we'll see. At worst, the final two chapters of Haggis will be posted in early to mid January, and that'll be that.

We started this story back in July on a total lark, not really intending to go anywhere with the story, and I suppose in some ways it hasn't gone anywhere at all. In other ways it's taken on a life of its own, and I'd like to again thank you all for keeping up with us on this cross-Atlantic project. I've never had so much fun writing a story, so I hope we made you at least smile once or twice. Both in terms of co-authoring and review-replying, this has been the most enjoyable writing experience I've ever had. Thanks for making this such an excellent time for us both!

Friday 13th June

2007-12-18T08:58:01Z

My exams are finished! Proof that Friday 13th is not unlucky! Astronomy and Defense were yesterday and I finished up today with Herbology. Beatrice is still not talking to me and is not talking to Karl because he’s still talking to me, but one can’t have everything. I hope we make up soon, because I’m going to her house for the first week of the holidays and then she’s coming to France with me.

After the Astronomy exam, James walked me back to the common room and asked me to come to Hogsmeade tomorrow. Alone! I’d promised to spend Saturday with Emily for her birthday, but Emily has been invited to Hogsmeade by Rob and is having a big party in the common room tomorrow night instead. So I can go! I’m going on a date with James! Our first proper date, as a matter of fact. I’m elated, but also horribly nervous about the whole thing. I’ll have to find something nice to wear. Eek!

---

Shit, shit, double shit, I hate Beatrice! She’s just gone and told James that he should keep and eye on me because I dated her brother for all of last summer. I’m sure this won’t bother James at all! Especially since I’ll be spending most of the holidays in Beatrice’s house! If we make up, that is, which we won’t.

James is going to think I deliberately omitted this information (I didn’t, I just forgot!) so I could cozy up to Aaron over the hols and break up with me, or something. He gets jealous really easily and my so-called friend knows it. I’m going to murder Beatrice Booth!

---

Have just marched up to my woman in the middle of the common room and given her a sound snog in front of everyone. In my defense, Lily looked unbelievably sexy today, I couldn’t help myself. Plus, as it turns out, she is spending the summer with an ex-boyfriend of hers. And she neglected to tell me!! Booth’s brother, as it turns out. Scoundrel! I saw her first! I think a visit to Booth’s house at the beginning of summer is in order. Just as a precaution.

Letter from Mum this morning, confirming my arrival home in a week with Sirius. Useless letter. I sent one to Dad telling him to see if he can get Mum to visit Aunt Ophelie for a bit this summer to get her out of my hair. I expect this is as likely to succeed as the Cannons are to win their next match.

Poker in five. Then hopefully Lily will come up and join me in bed. A perfect end to exam week. If only Algernon were more agreeable, then nothing would be amiss. As it is, he is ignoring me. Wanker.

Thursday 12th June

2007-12-17T16:35:22Z

A lot happened to me in between my entry last night and this morning, far too much to recount normally. Which is why the list is my new best friend.

In the past sixteen hours, I have:

-Talked to Terry Heaney and convinced him to at least think about breaking up with Helena for good.
-Allowed Terry Heaney to rub my feet. It was a large sacrifice on my part, so Peter had better pay me back one day.
-Written six comic book storylines with Karl.
-Explained both Karl and my earlier Terry incident to James, and had a lot of my worries (e.g. he might like some other girl, not find me as pretty anymore, secretly be planning some huge prank that involves breaking my heart) laid to rest by him, which is a good development.
-Discovered the following about James: His middle name, his favorite book, Quidditch team and subject, his weird theory about how single eyebrow raising equals sex, how he came to own Algernon, and what color boxer shorts he had on last night.
-Broken my vow. A little. Sort of. A lot. But not too much, thankfully. I also have it on good authority that I will not be asked or pushed into breaking it too much for a long time.
-Slept in James's bed.
-Misplaced my bra. Had this pointed out to me by Emily five minutes ago. She’ll be smirking for the rest of the day now. I must find a way to destroy her. I’d ask Beatrice, but she’s not talking to me. I just love my friends.

---

Success! Vow was broken last night. My bed wasn’t the same without Lily in it. I tried to convince Algernon to sleep next to me earlier this week. He’s still in a right state about it. I may have told a small, insignificant lie to Lily last night, but it’s really no big deal. She’ll only have to know if we ever get married. Damn. I am planning to marry her, so she’ll have to find out my middle name eventually. My psychotic mother will pay for this one day. I should investigate legally changing it.

Not only do I have to punish Helena, I also have to kill Terry Heaney for touching my woman’s feet. Even if she volunteered for Peter’s sake. That’s just not on. Disgusting. I don’t want to think about it. I should turn him into a giant shoe. Then everyone would be happy.

One more day of exams! Thank Merlin. I’m more than ready for Poker, and for the vow to be over. Yes, it turns out it was only meant for this week. I’m still chuffed I was able to get her to break it early. Definitely was the eyebrow raise. Apparently mentioning it is enough to get a girl going. This is a secret I will take to my grave. I certainly don’t want the French finding out. They already have enough going for them, what with their damned sexy language. I can’t believe Lily is still going to France without me. Unacceptable.

Must run, it looks like Lily isn’t wearing a bra. I love when that happens.

Wednesday 11th June

2007-12-16T07:48:59Z

I am so embarrassed. Today I tried to get Beatrice’s ‘perfume’ from her in order to get rid of it. Although it did work a treat last night when James came to find me for revision (he became increasingly handsy and glassy eyed as the evening wore on, and literally begged me to break my vow), the problem is that when Beatrice wears it, she seems to have a similar effect on him. He was staring at her with his mouth open at breakfast and grinning stupidly. I will not have that, diary, so I attempted to get it from her today. It’s unfair and dangerous, that perfume is. She wouldn’t give it up, and I ended up chasing her to the common room and wrestling it from her on the floor, to the delight of every male in the room. The fight ended when Black sprayed us with water from his wand (pervert) and Beatrice started yelling about how he was going to ‘wash it off.’ Much explaining followed this, and although I’m quite embarrassed about it all (Beatrice isn’t, just annoyed with me for ruining her chances), I’m not nearly as humiliated as James and Remus are. Remus went up to his room and hasn’t come out since, and James is under the impression that he’s committed some serious act of adultery and is groveling. To shut him up, I told him that I had to go meet with Karl, which has put him in an even worse mood. I forgot that I never told James that Karl and I weren’t really dating. There is some serious contract violation going on here.

Helena was kissing Peter after our Potions exam. This has to stop. I’ve had a rather inspired idea about how to solve this problem, actually. I think there's someone I have to talk to before I meet Karl....

---

Still a bit down about Comeuppance’s utter failure. Things worked out all right in the end, but it’s frustrating to know that he got away with ruining my Apparition test. I can’t test until the end of June now. It helps when I think of Lily, though. Well, it did until I started wondering if she’s secretly dating Karl Pilkerson. She and Booth were apparently trying to seduce different men by wearing love potion perfume yesterday. No wonder I was thinking about serenading Booth with Brunhilda Carmichael songs! I wouldn’t even do that for Lily. Unless she asked, of course.

I am going to try to reclaim Lily’s affections tonight. Earlier I came to the following conclusion: Peter Pettigrew can raise one eyebrow. Terry Heaney can also raise one eyebrow. Peter and Terry Heaney have both had sex. Clearly there is a correlation between the two. I have long suspected this, and am now convinced. I spent an hour in front of the mirror practicing, but to no avail. Even magic failed me.

Before I invite Lily up to the dorm, the others and I are having a meeting. Today we found Peter face-locked with Helena the Whore in an alcove outside of Potions. I sicked up a bit. We pried him off of her, though, and I shook my fist at her. Tonight we’re going to give him a stern talking-to, and then plot against her. Should be good fun.

I should also find a Hair Growth Charm before the others show up. Spellotape should have warnings about its interaction with facial hair.

Tuesday 10th June

2007-12-15T17:10:11Z

Helena has reverted back to her scarlet woman ways! Today I saw her walking around the lake, hand in hand with Terry Heaney. Later, when I was talking to Beatrice after our Charms exam, I saw her and Peter heading towards the kitchens and also hand in hand. The bitch! I am most definitely going to talk to Peter about this later. She also somehow managed to regrow her hair, but it’s now a vile orange color. Ha. Ha ha ha.

Beatrice gleefully informed me after Charms that she finally has a present for Emily, and wants my opinion on it later. She had that crazy look in her eye that she gets sometimes, usually when she’s planning something mad, but it might just be because she was asked out by three different boys today and she’s feeling smug. Also, Remus has been staring at her all afternoon. I still need to find out what happened with them, actually.

---

Beatrice is either insane or looking to be expelled. It turns out that she stole some Amortentia from Slughorn months ago with a view to use it on Remus, but her conscience interfered and she couldn’t do it. What she’s gone and done now is diluted it with water and put it in a perfume bottle. And it works! She’s been wearing it all day, which is why she’s been garnering so much male attention. She’s planning on giving a bottle to Emily on Saturday and I can’t seem to convince her otherwise. I told her that what she’s doing is immoral, underhanded and possibly illegal, but it had no effect on her at all. Also, she let me borrow some, so I decided that there was nothing more that I could do for her. I will definitely reprimand her about it at a later date, though.

Off to study for Potions with James!

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I think I’m falling ill. Today I found myself fantasizing about Booth. Something is not right. She is not Lily Evans, who is the only woman I could ever be attracted to. I asked Remus what he thought about Booth today. He made a low growling noise, then looked terribly embarrassed and excused himself. Dead confusing.

Speaking of psychotic women, Helena Hodge is a fucking whore. She’ll wish atrocious hair was the worst of her worries come the end of the week. Moony, Padfoot, and I are dead tired of her messing about with Wormtail. (At least there’s one person I know I can safely take revenge on. Lily might even be proud of me for it, enough to give me a kiss….)

No Poker until Friday night, and then a legitimate Hogsmeade visit Saturday. Planning to ask Lily to accompany me. It will be just the two of us. Algernon will not be invited. He has been uncooperative as of late.

Must go repair my trousers, then off to find Lily and try to entice her into breaking the ban.

Monday 9th June

2007-12-14T16:20:40Z

All night I couldn’t help but wonder why Felix had sent me to Dumbledore. Canceling Comeuppance didn’t ‘help me with my endeavors,’ as promised by the potion. Turns out it did the same thing to Wormtail and Padfoot, too. (It would’ve done for Moony, had he taken any. He was the only one to carry out his bit of the plan, and on its own it was harmless.) They were both sent out into the Shrieking Shack, and they didn’t come back until the Felix had worn off. We were all dead confused when we reconvened last night. Moony suggested that the Felix might have gone bad, or that keeping it near Algernon had somehow tampered with its properties. None of it made sense, really. Well, not until today. Today we had exams. Today was when Snape’s brain was supposed to go unnoticeably wonky.

Today was also, as it turned out, the day we were given quick examinations for spell-interference before the exams.

Talk about lucky. Our plan hinged on the fact that except for O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s, the only sort of interferential check is a general room spell that inhibits most magic. Our plan would have slipped past that, but not the more in-depth spell they used today. Snape wouldn’t have been allowed to take his exams, and Dumbledore would have had to investigate. Everything would have been ruined.

Thanks to Felix, life plan continues. I’m sure it will be an upstream battle, as I can’t ever really stop being the salmon I am at heart, but at least I’ll have Lily, my mates, and something worth fighting for. Don’t really need much besides that, when it comes down to it. Having my cat bring me a bacon sandwich right now would be a definite bonus, though.

---

Our exams commenced today, starting with Transfiguration and History. I think I did well enough in both, even Transfig, so that's a relief. It’s also Emily’s birthday, but we aren’t celebrating until Saturday due to studying. Beatrice told Emily that she will give her her gift then, which is Beatrice speak for ‘You won't be getting a present, fool!’ Thankfully, Emily hasn’t figured that part out yet.

Shock horror! I met Karl in the library today to go over more comic book plans (at my insistence, I am now Lily Devons, Beatrice Booth is Beatrice Bluth, Emily Wood is Emily Wormwood and Karl is now Pilkington instead of Pilkerson) and we saw Peter and Helena Hodge together! He was sitting in the corner with his arm around her while she cried and vainly pulled her big hat down over her now bald head. Evidently, somebody in the school really hated her attempt at gingerism, and scalped her. I don’t know whether I should talk to Peter about this or not, as I don’t want her to hurt him again, but that still doesn’t make it any of my business. I should discuss this with Remus or Emily, I think.

James was upset about something last night and I know he didn’t want to tell me about it because he lied and said that it had something to do with Algernon. This is clear violation of the contract, but I can’t talk because I lead him to believe that the physical affection/contact ban is only for exam week, and ‘forgot’ to tell him the real reason behind it. He thinks it’s just because I don't want to waste studying time, and not because I get the urge to do ‘things’ with him whenever we’re alone. Imagine how deep the fake voice would get if he were ever to discover that, diary! Then I’d have to kill him, which would be most unfortunate because he is so very, very attractive.

I’m absolutely starving. Where’s Algernon these days? I could really go for some bacon.